It hurts to say goodbye…

I love you, gosh, only I know how much I really love you. It’s like I can’t breathe when you’re not around, if I don’t hear from you, I feel like a piece of my soul is missing and the wound is so hurtful that I just want to crawl under a blanket and lay there until I die. It feels like I am dying if you’re so far away and I can’t be with you.

Sometimes I think and I still have a hard time believing this really happened to me. I met you and things moved so fast. It’s like we both knew what we wanted, we both felt right about it, even though it was so wrong, we felt this static electricity between us. Remember, how our hearts were beating? So fast. So strong. Crazy, right? I couldn’t keep my thoughts straight, when I was looking at you I didn’t see anything else. It was just you, my world, my universe and I was so happy there, it was my safe place, my little heaven, my happy place where I wanted to stay forever. There was something so magical about you, magnetic. The attraction was so strong. I just wanted to be around you, look at you, touch you. Oh, when I kissed you, I remember getting so dizzy every time, it was unreal. The world was spinning in circles but in your arms I knew I was safe. I loved feeling you, when you hugged me it felt so good, you made me feel like I meant something to you. I believed you every time. I think I really wanted to believe you, and if I ever had doubts I found ways to fight them. I really didn’t like the idea of questioning the obvious, I wanted to ignore it, I didn’t want it to be true. Silly me! How could I be so naïve, so trusting??? I know it’s my fault, I had a feeling it was a joke, actually, more than just a feeling, it was a constant nagging pain in my chest that was telling me that I was foolish, but I chose to ignore it this whole time. It was my choice, because at that time it was still making me happy, making me feel like you needed me. I was lying to myself so I could feel this happiness for a little longer…

Now as I am writing this I am getting ready to have this conversation with you, and I really don’t know how to start it. I know part of it is my fault, I let you fool me, and even when I knew about it, I kept on fooling myself, because at that point I was too far in and was scared to lose you. I liked you so much, more than I ever should have, you didn’t like me enough. I am done hurting! I learned my lessons and I am ready to heal my soul. I think I will always love you, even though I really don’t want to anymore, but at this point I am ready to move on with or without love for you in my heart. I am ready to have my life back, without you it will feel like a gloomy rainy day, you were my sun, but you kept on burning me, letting me get close so you could touch me and see how I would deal with the pain. I guess rain may not be so bad after all. You shattered my heart like a guitar that was thrown in anger, it is so broken with strings hanging down holding separate pieces of bleeding flesh. My heart will never play a song again, it will never sound right even if someone else will glue it back together. What a waste of such a fine instrument, but it never had any value to you.

Somewhere deep inside I am very thankful that you didn’t start this conversation first. You gave me time to gain the strength that I needed and talk to you when I was ready for it. It still hurts like hell but not as bad as if it was you telling me goodbye when I wasn’t prepared to hear it. So thank you for that!

I love you but I can’t do this anymore. You can so easily live without me. Oh I know, you showed it to me so many times. Then I should be able to find a way to be without you too. I know it will take some time, and a bunch of sleepless nights searching for answers I will never find. But I know I can do it, I have to do it for myself. So today is the day, and now is the time…


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